I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear
Nelson Mandela
On 4 December 2020, during Covid, I donated my kidney.
It was a long journey to get to the day of the surgery, and Covid played havoc with me, which added to the tremendous stress.
I usually take my time to share private personal journeys but when I realised that today marked 4 years after the donation I felt quite emotional.
It is such a personal and sacred decision to donate a kidney, and I mulled over the decision to start talking about it for the past few years.
Gerhard, Whitney and Isabelle spent the last few hours before I had to check into the hospital with me. We sat under the trees, enjoyed a lovely lunch and the conversation was light. Around four in the afternoon my son took me to the hospital. Because of the Covid protocol, it felt like a drive through drop off. We took a photo in the few moments he was allowed to hug me and we said our goodbyes.
I looked at him disappearing through the door and realised that I was completely on my own, and that I will see my family more than a week later, when I would be discharged.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I took a photo the evening of 3 December. I was the only healthy person in the ward.
I was ready.
The day of the surgery started with the usual preparations, and at five in the morning I was asked to lock all my belongings away in safe keeping. This included my cell phone and I was abruptly cut off from all communication with the outside world.
I received no sedatives to calm my nerves and the fear was real.
The journey to theatre also looked different than any other experience that I ever had. The porters stopped at the door of the theatre, and I was asked to walk to the operating table. The surgeon stopped me and told me that I could still change my mind and withdraw my consent to donate my kidney.
If I decided to continue, I had to get onto the operating table out of my own free will.
I walked the short distance, my heart jumping with fear and climbed onto the table.
I woke up in ICU in excruciating pain, loneliness and a deep longing to see a loved one but that was not to be. Covid took charge and I was isolated. I still didn’t have my phone, and therefore there was no communication to anyone.
My son kept calling the hospital to track my progress.
When I was moved from ICU to High Care the porters told me that we are taking a detour. They pushed me to the hospital lobby where Gerhard was waiting to see me. I could see that it was dark outside. He insisted that he will not leave the hospital until he saw me alive. They bent the strict Covid regulations for five minutes and I could see my son.
He took this picture in the lobby saying “Ma, this photo is to remind you of that day when you were crazy enough to donate your kidney.” I realised in that moment how important it is to have family and people that care enough about your well-being.
Courage is an inner resolution to go forward in spite of obstacles and frightening situations.
Martin Luther King
I completed my stay in the hospital and was released a few days later.
When I celebrated the date today I felt ready to spill my inner thoughts into words. I confess that I was fearful in 2020, and I needed a lot of courage, but today the feeling shifted for me. I now feel that I was brave. Courage morphed into being brave and that feels like personal growth.
I connected a few dots and stopped for a moment to acknowledge that there were so many crossroads in my life and I can stand back today and truthfully say I was brave enough to overcome everything that was meant to set me back.
Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in the doing. “So, do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God” – “He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life” – “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”